timmi's world

timmi's world

transgender. just bein' me.

The Art of Being Chicken

2013 wasn’t a good year in the Timmiverse.

In early January, all the positive took a turn for the worst. I had been doing well, feeling great. Then one morning, I was wearing a more girlish top than I had to that point. I was pushing things, but I figured no one would notice under my hoodie… except my mom noticed the sliver of girlstuffs and she freaked out. After a lot of huffing, I retreated.

Suffice it to say, that caused my world to come crashing down.  The episode forced me back into hiding in my transgender hole and I’ve had to keep my real self in there since then. It started life down a bad path. Add that into some changes in my diabetes medication and things started ballooning. Literally. One of the side effects of the meds is weight gain. Add that to the slight depression that I fell into after the scene with my mom, and that all caused my weight to go back up.  I was happy around 170-180lbs. Now I’m hovering around 210-220lbs. I went from a nice size 12 back to a size 16 or 18. Nothing worse than life slipping back into a place you hate.

Now it’s over a year later. Life has gotten into a bad rut. All routine with very little variation. Wake up. Shower. Get dressed as my male “front”. Go to work. Come home. Sit around. Go to bed as Timmi. Repeat.

I hate that I have to hide myself. I know who I am, but that chicken can’t get past the world I’m surrounded by. I just wish I was able to forget the world and be me. I wish it wasn’t complicated. Someday things will change. At least I’m crossing my fingers.

Today I decided to wear my girls jeans and some simple underthings, but it’s a far cry from where I wish I was.  I just want to feel good again. I don’t right now. It’s going to take some major work to get back to a good place. I’m hoping that I can make it. Only time will tell at this point I think.

Timmi February 10, 2014 Leave A Comment Permalink

Ends and beginnings…

So tonight I decided to finally be brave. I told my parents that I was transgender.

I’ve dreaded talking about it with them for well over 20 years, but I got tired of “playing the part” and not being able to express who I am. Their response was about what I figured it would be, but it was still a scary prospect for me, so I’m a bit proud of myself today. Of course, being from the overly religious family that I’m from, they want me to seek the religious answer that *they* want to hear before they’ll truly accept it, but to be honest, I was expecting that. They wouldn’t be my parents if they didn’t. It’s how they believe, so I’m good with that. At least they agree that getting back to my therapist is a good thing to pursue and that they’ll help make sure that I can start going again, so there’s that. We’ll see how things go. I still can’t quite be who I want to be yet, but I think I’m a step closer.

Yep, it’s been a day. Here’s to a better day tomorrow, one I can be thankful for. :)

Timmi November 21, 2012 Leave A Comment Permalink

A Small Step Forward

Time for some babbling about the state of me. Today is another slow step forward… So, I’m like 95% dressed in girl’s clothes today. My shirt is really the only “male” thing I’m wearing. With the cold weather coming in, I’m back to wearing my zip-up hoodie. That means that I can start wearing one of my lower profile bras finally. (Can’t wear my nice push up bras. Those would be WAY to obvious.) I’m still running in “chicken” mode, but being able to wear proper underthings, my girl’s jeans and one of my v-neck tees under my button-up shirt is a happy and liberating thing. Hair’s been growing out for a while too. Getting a bit shaggy and starting to cover my ears. I’m happy there. Got another set of laser hair treatments next week. Most of the body hair is gone. Just a few more and the majority of it will have been removed forever! I’m loving that! It’s such a wonderful feeling. Now I just wish my finances would allow me to get back to my therapist. I guess I just have to be happy with the small steps that I can make.

Timmi October 16, 2012 Leave A Comment Permalink

A tumultuous July…

I have to say that July has been a bit of a rough month. A bunch of things got thrown off this month, worst of which was having to put my therapy sessions on hiatus due to fundage problems. I’m sooooooo hoping that things get better in August. I want to get back to Dr. Beckstead and get the hormones going ASAP. Laser hair stuff starts next week though, so that’s a positive thing.

I think it’s all coming down to eliminating all the extra junk in life so I can afford to keep pressing on. This journey into the unknown isn’t going to be cheap. I think it’s going to be a lot of evaluating things and purging things that don’t really matter in the long run.

Though I do have to say that I HAVE been bad because of all the clothes I bought last month… I just got on a roll and it was hard to keep the urge to buy cute outfits in check. Just gotta control the spending on clothes for a while I think, as much as I LOVE shopping for clothes. Just another month in the life of me. Here’s to a better August! :)

Slacked

So, last week I was a total slacker. I was getting ready for a long camping trip (which was awesome! I hadn’t been camping in years, so it was cool.) and didn’t post anything after my session with the new therapist. He’s a really cool guy. It was good to be able to put everything out there and have someone listen and not judge me for what I feel. I’ve wanted to do something about how I’ve felt about being transgender all my life, but I’ve never had the guts to do anything about it until now. I’m soooooo happy that I’ve taken a step into the unknown, but I know where I want this to go, so it’s good to be heading in a good direction. It’ll be good to have some goals to work toward too.

It’s an exciting, scary time! I just want to thank everyone out there for all the support and love. I’m so grateful to have good friends out there. You all rock! :)

Kickstartin’ with the gamer girls

My friend Jan mentioned a project on Kickstarter today on Facebook.  It’s called “Tropes vs. Women in Video Games” and it’s going to look at the role of female characters in video games. Should prove to be interesting. It’s the first time I’ve ever helped fund a Kickstarter project, so it’ll be fun to see what the end result is.

Transitions

I have another appointment with Dr. Edgington today.  It’s more or less just a stepping stone though.  During that first visit, he referred me to a doctor in Salt Lake that specializes in transgender issues, so I’ll probably be transitioning to him after today.  I have an appointment to see him on Monday.  That should be when the REAL therapy begins.  I’ll be happy to get this train moving.  It’s been a long time coming and I just want to get going!

Taking the first step

I met with the therapist this morning, Dr. Edgington. Very nice man. This being just the first meeting, it was all preliminary stuff, but it feels good to get some of this stuff out in the open. I have absolutely no idea how any of this is going to end up, but the first step into becoming the girl that I want to be is a good step to have taken.

I don’t know how the world here will react, but like Dr. Edgington said, I need to get past the concept of caring what the world thinks and just decide to be me.

It’s going to be tough, but I know that I can find a way through it somehow.

The big day

Tomorrow is a big day. After years and years of being a total chicken shit about my transgender life, I’m finally to the point where I’m ready to really become Timmi. It’s hard to keep the act up and I’m tired of playing the part of the contented boy. I’m ready to become the girl that I know I am.

I start seeing a therapist tomorrow. I have absolutely no idea where that will end up, but I hope that this leads me in a direction where I can be more me than I am right now.

Years ago, I never would have been able to pull of looking female, at least from a body shape standpoint. In the last 3 years, I’ve lost 80 pounds. I used to weigh 260 lbs. Now I’m at around 170. I used to be a women’s size 20. This week, I was able to get into a size 12. Bra size went from practically non-existent to 36B. My waist is much smaller and my hips, while still not really girlish, are looking a bit better with girls clothes on. All positive stuff.

It’s an exciting time. It’s still kinda scary and I’m still a bit of a chicken shit about all this, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Hi, I’m Timmi. Welcome to my world!

Hi everyone!  My name is Timmi and I’m a transgender girl at the beginning of my transition journey.

This being my first post on my new blog, I’d like to tell a little bit about my story to this point. I’ve been dealing with being a transgender female most of my life.  As far back as I can remember, I’ve felt that I should be a girl.  As early as 5 years old, I knew that something for me was wrong.  Being a boy just didn’t feel right.  I’ve spent well over 30 years hiding how I’ve really felt from most people.  Now, after well over 30 years, have I finally gotten the courage to talk to someone outside of my friends about how I feel.  This will be a place for me to talk about transgender things and my journey down this road.  I hope there are great things down the road.