2013 wasn’t a good year in the Timmiverse.
In early January, all the positive took a turn for the worst. I had been doing well, feeling great. Then one morning, I was wearing a more girlish top than I had to that point. I was pushing things, but I figured no one would notice under my hoodie… except my mom noticed the sliver of girlstuffs and she freaked out. After a lot of huffing, I retreated.
Suffice it to say, that caused my world to come crashing down. The episode forced me back into hiding in my transgender hole and I’ve had to keep my real self in there since then. It started life down a bad path. Add that into some changes in my diabetes medication and things started ballooning. Literally. One of the side effects of the meds is weight gain. Add that to the slight depression that I fell into after the scene with my mom, and that all caused my weight to go back up. I was happy around 170-180lbs. Now I’m hovering around 210-220lbs. I went from a nice size 12 back to a size 16 or 18. Nothing worse than life slipping back into a place you hate.
Now it’s over a year later. Life has gotten into a bad rut. All routine with very little variation. Wake up. Shower. Get dressed as my male “front”. Go to work. Come home. Sit around. Go to bed as Timmi. Repeat.
I hate that I have to hide myself. I know who I am, but that chicken can’t get past the world I’m surrounded by. I just wish I was able to forget the world and be me. I wish it wasn’t complicated. Someday things will change. At least I’m crossing my fingers.
Today I decided to wear my girls jeans and some simple underthings, but it’s a far cry from where I wish I was. I just want to feel good again. I don’t right now. It’s going to take some major work to get back to a good place. I’m hoping that I can make it. Only time will tell at this point I think.